It’s Sunday, and my husband and I were up until 4 am “discussing” our marriage and the things that it seems to be lacking. Troy’s issues, I don’t dress sexy enough, I don’t see and/or appreciate how hard he works, and I never do the laundry. The last one is totally…my bad. My issues, he is too moody, he expects me to read his ever-changing mind, and no matter what I do, it’s not good enough. Toward the crescendo of our “discussion,” we were both wondering if the passion for one another had left and somehow, we hadn’t noticed until just then. At this point, it would have been easy to shut down, turn the lights off and roll over to our respective sides of the bed. But we didn’t do that we kept on pushing. And something amazing happened, when it felt like our conversation couldn’t get any darker, a crack of light came to the surface.
Much too often it’s the little things, the unsaid words that do us in…that is, if we let them.
Eight months ago, I was fired from my well-paid job and ever since Troy had been caring 90% of our household bills. This was stressful and a strain on our marriage. Troy had given me the space to follow my dream of being an author and motivational speaker. Which had come at the expense of building his own business and was way outside of his comfort zone. In my mind, I thought it would be an easy transition. I had written an amazing book and when it was published, I knew that people would run to the stores to buy it. They would be beating down my door to speak at their events. All I had to do was put my book on Amazon, right?
Wrong, being an author much like being an entrepreneur means that you have to learn to be at peace with being uncomfortable, with uncertainty, with the hope that what your putting out in the world will not only be well received but will also be well monetized. Then like it often does, reality hits and you discover that the road to success is HARD AGONIZING WORK that doesn’t come quickly. It takes studying, organization, strategy and capital. It takes never giving up and not accepting that VP of Marketing corporate job even when everything in you is screaming.
“TAKE THE DAMN JOB!”
Taking the job would be so much easier. But then God starts to give you signs and small things start to happen, and you start to see that people are connecting with your work, that people are starting to purchase your book and contract you to speak. That the book you were scared to show anyone begins winning awards and all at once you start thinking,
“MAYBE I CAN DO THIS!”
That was the discussion Troy and I had in the wee hours of the morning. Maybe we could do this. Maybe we could work through our issues. When we finally got down to brass tacks, his big fear was that he was going to disappoint me. My fear was that all the sacrifice we had made was going to be for nothing. That I would lose my best friend and my dreams all in one swoop. Why does it take all of the bullshit to finally get to the beauty? What we were “discussing” at first had nothing to do with what was really going on. We both needed to know that the other person saw us, accepted us and would love us no matter what.
Ding, Ding, Ding…that was it, we could do that and now we could finally go to sleep. Thank You Jesus!
Eight hours later, I was at the Auto Club Speedway watching my husband work on my eight-year-old son’s go-kart. Seeing them work together to achieve a common goal was truly (no pun intended since our son’s name is Truly) what life was all about. This very scene was my definition of happiness and togetherness. Even in hundred-degree weather with my son driving go-karts at 60 miles per hour, getting a penalty, crying and starting the main event 5th. The day ended with a second-place finish, hugs and huge smiles. I couldn’t have asked for more. To some, this may sound like 24 hours of hell, but to me it sounds like a life totally worth living. Sometimes you have to wade on the smelly side of life in order to appreciate the sweet smell of success.
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Until we meet again…